Oh how many times I have started this post over, and over, and over again...
Why do I find it so easy to talk about other's important/intimate life moments, but some of my deepest ones, stay deep.

The other day I had to ask my parents if they were ok with the sharing of my dad's story via the public web. I hadn't even thought about the fact they may not have wanted everything publicized. Not everyone processes emotions through writing...specifically public writing.

So if I don't have such "issues" divulging information, then why am I keeping this one deep?
I still don't know that answer, but I have (thankfully) talked with some other women in my shoes and they feel the same. It's something that doesn't necessarily draw a stigma, but one that makes us as women feel vulnerable. I think we become vulnerable because it is completely out of our control...

The best way I know how to write this story, is in a enjoy.

I'm in an overly stuffy waiting room of my obgyn's office sitting on my hands, and suddenly I realize I am nervous. Nervous because for once, I am the patient and the fear that something may actually be wrong hits me like a ton of bricks...

I suddenly wonder why I didn't bring Joe with me. He is always the calm to my storm and would crack some wise joke that would make me laugh and stop sweating momentarily.

My name is called and I walk back to meet with the ultrasound technician as I am scheduled for both an abdominal and pelvic ultrasound to see if there could possibly be some reason that after 14 months, Joe and I are unable to conceive. (BAM I JUST SAID IT...phew)

She asks me to sit in the chair and I am obviously in the same room where new moms and dads go to see each sonogram as an expectant family. This was not how I pictured my sonogram screen for the first time. At first, I'm sad as I see my name in the upper left hand corner. This space, and this picture are missing something so vital I am so eager to protect. I became bitter and upset for that empty space. I felt like I had a million fingers pointing at me saying, too bad, maybe next time, move on.

Pity party for one...

The tests go smoothly, and I am walked back to that dang stuffy waiting room to wait for the doctor. More sweating, sitting on hands, and nerves ensue. I was relieved that I would be getting answers and that after this appointment I could then reconfigure, plan things out and go from there ( ME, ME, ME).

Hah...what a sense of humor the big man has. Side note...through a lot of things this past year, I have learned I have a SEVERE case of the control freaks.
I digress. The doctor comes in, performs her exam and then nonchalantly says, "Well nothing appears to be wrong. Everything looks healthy, and suitable for a baby". I wait for her to add an "and, but, if, well, etc" but the words never came.

Yes, yes I know, these are wonderful, beautiful words. BUT (and it's always big) why after this amount of time has nothing happened? She proceeded to tell me the next steps which were filled with tests, procedures, medications and prescriptions that floated in one ear and right out the other. Such words intimidated me and could quite possibly not be the right fit for me, but thats a completely different blog post.

And this is where my story lies...out of my hands, my control and up in the air. I have an odd feeling that I'm being taught something here in these moments...

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floral + friday | ombre spray


Ombre has been trending for quite some time. From hair, bakery items, wardrobe choices and even florals. This was a piece I did last winter when I was once again challenging my color palette. I'm not a huge fan of the bright reds and oranges when it comes to florals, but I again was pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

Ombre Spray
| | orange spray rose
| | multi colored tulips
| | green hypericum
| | crimson ranunculus
| | deep red garden roses

Ombre arrangements also look dynamite in whites, creams to blushes...swoon!

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Texas or bust


The cutest Curty you ever did see! 
Throughout the months and years around this space I have written quite a bit about my dad and his journey with Follicular Non Hodgkins lymphoma. Dad was diagnosed in 2011, right before I graduated from nursing school. My first job was on an oncology (cancer) unit and I fell in love with the people, the survivors and the families of those who had passed. You could say cancer has become part of my daily life.

Since diagnosis, dad has endured countless rounds of chemotherapy, and hours of sitting in doctor's office chairs. As you may, or may not know, lymphoma is a cancer of the blood and one without a cure...yet. After each cycle and too short of remission the cancer has come back now for the 4th time. We have always known that transplant is an end of the treatment road option, but had hoped we wouldn't see this day so soon. Yes, don't get me wrong a little over 4 years is great! But typical response before transplant can often be up to 12 years.

Anyway, the reason for my absence this past week was because all transplant details were being determined which also includes, notifying employers, buying plane tickets, and making packing lists which will require belongings for 6-8 weeks...over the holidays.

The day after Thanksgiving, I hop on a plane and "move" back into the Freeman household as a family of four, like the good old days. During the time I am home, dad will be admitted to the hospital for multiple days of high dose chemotherapy, high dose radiation and the end goal of receiving a bone marrow transplant. I am excited, anxious, and uncertain all at once, but so thankful that I will get to be home for it all.

What I want to share is the thanks I have for dad's bone marrow donor. When searching for marrow donors, the doctors look for the recipient's "twin" but not biological. Dad's twin comes in the form of a 23 year old man who has the same blood type and matches 8/8 of the tests needed for transplant. When we were first told of dad's match, we were over the moon excited until the office told us that the young man still needed to be contacted and ultimately still had to say yes.

We prayed hard that this young man would be willing to inflict a margin of pain on himself, in order to benefit another human. We prayed that he would say yes, even though it was so incredibly close to the holidays. We prayed for his family and that they would be supportive of his decision no matter the outcome. This past Friday we got the news that this young man said YES!

Again we prayed prayers of thanks for his selfless gift, one which he didn't have to give. I hope that we will either get to meet or contact the donor after this process is over. To personally thank him for giving my hero more time.

I will hope to be able to give you more frequent updates on dad's condition as he will be in the hospital for multiple weeks. I have set up another blog space for friends and family to access which will be updated regularly by yours truly. I hope you will keep my dad in your prayers, and follow along as he takes his journey to day zero and beyond!

I'm coming for you Daddy!
Your baby blue

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