Reader beware

2.08.2016

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I didn't intend for this post to be cynical, but reader beware, its loaded!

Lately, life has thrown a lot of perspective my way, not necessarily correct, but one I wanted to share as a step of growth.

Saturday morning I'm sitting getting my nails done and can't help but overhear another gossip session going on behind me in the pedicure chairs. This woman, who was relatively my age, was with her mom getting a pedicure but on the phone the entire time. Now the phone thing is something I could go into, but what really got me thinking was the conversation she was having.

Over the course of this thirty minute conversation the woman was dishing all about her upcoming plans for her Superbowl party. The rest of her day was to be spent buying streamers, balloons, food, cakes, plates, napkins, wine, TONS of beer, and even green and white felt to cover the island in her kitchen to look like a football field, complete with individual team's end zones. Can you imagine the size of that to-do list?

All I could think of was the time, money and effort such things would take for something so temporary...

I will be honest, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't about spending quality time with friends or family, but it was the production of it all, something that I think the South really has ass backwards. Why so showy? If I've learned anything from living in the NE, its that people value loyalties over lavish things. The actual time spent with your loved ones far exceeds the need for the fancy china and ballgowns.

As I'm sitting there in my own showy way getting my nails done (cough hypocrite right?), I was sad thinking that there are so many other things going on around this young woman, but all she can flipping think about is BBQ weenies and if she has enough space in the fridge for the Buds.

So many things in the last eight weeks have turned my world upside down. There are so many times (often selfish I admit) that I want to scream things out loud like, "THERE ARE FAR MORE THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAT NEED YOUR ATTENTION THAN THE STREAMER COLOR IN AISLE 7".

I think of two friends, who right before and right after Christmas have had to say goodbye to their dads well before their time. We often tend to tread around the word death on tip-toes. But hear if from the hospice nurse in me. Death is emotionally messy, heart breaking, financially burdening, soul crushing, but yet often beautiful after the fog clears.

I think of my husband who lost his Uncle suddenly right after Christmas well before his time. He left behind two beautiful daughters in their 20'-30's.  With his death also comes the loss of a brother, a husband, and more tragically a son.

I've seen so much sickness and not nearly enough health.

In the past eight weeks I have been the patients family instead of the nurse. I have been the one in tears being consoled by a nurse, younger than me.
The role reversal was very Twilight Zone for me...

I've prayed so many prayers that I never thought I would have prayed before...
Some still bring tears to my eyes at the thought of them. And SO SO many have been answered in their own beautiful messy way.

I have felt the panic of a job lost, and the millions of decisions that come tumbling down with that Jinga stack.

I have felt the sadness of saying goodbye to some of the most amazing people in my life over the past three years and pleading with them not to forget me.

I have witnessed the stress of finances, new roles and decisions that must be taken on as a result of all above events.

I have empathized and sympathized with friends who are struggling with infertility, or the loss of a baby...right around the holidays.

I have felt times where more days are bad than good, and those desperate prayers were all that would keep us from drowning.

To sum it all up, I have felt more feels in the last eight weeks than I knew my mind could handle. We often talk about those proverbial "plates" and mine is messy, all mixed together and entirely too full.

In a way, I am jealous that that young woman's biggest care in the world was over a silly football game held once a year. But I hurt for everyone else who is processing the feels.

Apologies for my pity party, and the fact this same woman could be going through many of these things. But I want this here.  I want to stop and remember the fortunes in our lives, whether that's another breath taken, or a job interview scored.

It challenges me to be more humble with all of my materialistic ways and remember everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing about.


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I've lost my fa la la la la

12.11.2015



Apologies friends, but my fa la la la la has up and left...

Lately I have been scrolling through old pictures a lot, as they have always been one of my favorite ways to hold onto memories. So many things change throughout the years. Clothes, hair styles, places to visit, wrinkles, lines, and age. Age is so intricately captured in pictures, and tells so many stories.

I recently came across pictures from December of last year. I think back to everything that I had planned for this coming year (2015), and just have to laugh right now. If you would have told me what December 2015 would be like...I would have spewed water in your face laughing, and beg  you to tell me I was kidding. I do hate the dramatics, and I do really try to remain positive in this space, but my has this month given me a run for my money. And psssst news flash...we are in week two. WOOF.

I am however going to put on my big girl panties, and give you all the reasons I'm thankful for this December, and I'm going to LIKE it.

I am so thankful that
1. This December I have been and will continue to spend it with my family. We are all back living under the same roof, and I'll tell you, it's been a lot of fun.
2. I get to have a warm(er) December this year...although it was 65 degrees in Albany today...This time last year we had a whole foot of snow.
3. Joe and I have been good about saving for a "rainy day". That rainy day hit last week and it was a doozy...hopefully I'll share more about that in the coming week.
4. My family is surrounded by people who love us. The outpouring of support while my dad has been in the hospital has really humbled us.
5. Joe and I have really developed our faith together in the past three years. Without our faith, I'm not sure how we would have made it.
My favorite verses right now, and plastered on dad's scripture wall in his hospital room is:

-I will not cause pain without something new to be born -Isaiah 66:9
-The Lord God is my strength and my bravery; He will walk me through places of trouble and suffering. -Habakkuk 3:19

6. Coffee. I'll repeat that. Coffee. Oh and diet coke, I'm SO thankful for it in the route 44 style.
7. My nursing knowledge. I can't tell you how many times I have just said a huge thanks for the medical knowledge of what dad is going through. I'll tell you, it would be one terrifying ride without it.
8. YOU, yes I'm thankful for you and the grace you give me when I'm negative, and the want you give me to come back to this space.

I'm not holding my breath, but December 2016 MUST be better than 2015.

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The Journey to day zero and beyond

12.04.2015



Hi friends, just wanted to share a quick hello!
I have not forgotten about this space, and have actually craved to write out some thoughts for therapeutic purposes. My nursing duty calls first however!

Since Sunday we have been up at the hospital with dad from morning until night helping him to prep for his transplant...which is tomorrow! It is a lot of work, with a lot of tasks to prep for a transplant. As dad's bone marrow transplant doctor said, "this isn't a spa or relaxation on the beach, I'm here to make you work".

And work is exactly what we have been doing! Want to catch up on more of the details? Swing by dad's blog space to get an update on his journey to day zero and beyond!

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