A lesson in humility

10.12.2015


So let's be honest, my lackluster posts as of late (hah what posts right?) could be described as filler, brought on by my own self guilt. Guilt from not keeping up with this space; guilt that I thought my life wasn't "interesting" enough to document.

The truth is, I wanted this year to be great exactly what I wanted it to be. I wanted to be "happy" through gratification of others based on my successes in life. Have you ever felt that way? Want something to be great based on the reactions received from others?

// I wanted to be pregnant, announce it in a cute way and produce the cutest 1/4 Persian babies you've ever seen.
// I wanted to move back to Texas, buy our first home and be close to family. You know, those babies would need grandparents!
// I wanted to get away from my current job, as what I loved had become an extreme source of anxiety, and most importantly unsafe. In my mind moving would be the answer and my dream job would become a reality.
// I wanted the perfect marriage, and I wanted happiness as the result of my marriage.

To say that 2015 has been less than expected would be an understatement. At the end of this summer I finally threw up my hands and (once again) decided to relent and give it to God.  Looking back, I'm almost embarrassed. How selfish, and faithless I was. I was the toddler in the corner, pouting because I didn't get my way. I was disappointed that my idea of happiness wasn't becoming a reality in the duration of a year. A year? Really? As if all of those life changes could be expected in 12 short little months...

I will be the first to tell you, my life is not suddenly celebrity worthy. And no, I am not pregnant, moving to Texas, have my dream job or a blissfully perfect marriage. Are you surprised? Hah why didn't you tell me?

Instead, I'm embracing my community and the happiness that I have been given, rather than created on my own. As the end of 2015 is just around the corner, what did I learn? I learned that I cannot compare, I cannot control and most importantly I must remain content, faithful and thankful.


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5 comments:

  1. This is beautiful, Casey. I had a similar moment earlier this year right after Warner passed away....I had such high expectations for this year and so far I've been incredibly disappointed....rather than keep such high expectations I've decided, like you, to embrace the community and embrace the "now". Just another way to choose joy daily. :)

    So glad you're back! xoxo

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  2. It's so hard to ever grow out of expectations. Thanks for being bold enough to share life as it really is—you're not alone and you're giving another the gift of encouragement by sharing this.

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  3. Oh sweet girl. This is absolutely beautiful and I'm so glad that you've been able to embrace your community and what you've been blessed with. I pray that God give you the desires of your heart (as we know He will...in His time) and that you are able to continue finding peace and comfort in the phase of life you're in today. And I'm so glad you're back to blogging!!

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  4. Oh girl, I'm in those trenches with you in a million and two ways. I'm mourning and celebrating, feeling a sort of disjointed bipolar swirl of emotions that just keep me ALL THE KINDS of pouting. Thankfully there's grace in a million and two ways. Grace that just melts my hardened core and begs me onward.

    Have you thought of listening to Eat, Pray, Love? It's softened my heart to hear the way another woman has loved and lost and hurt and healed. I needed Elizabeth Girlbert's words and her soft, kind voice to remind me how I can live. I can, it's not simple or easy, but it's doable. And so, I do.

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  5. i think first i need to ask a question: how have i missed out on you and this blog for so long?? you write beautifully, and based on the fact that you and laura are friends rom online, i know i'm going to be happy i found you (better late than never!). this is beautiful, i have had a year of trying to figure out where i fit in to my new life as a mom, and that feeling of unmet expectations is very real. you sound like you are well on your way to finding your place.

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