Vulnerable

11.23.2015


Oh how many times I have started this post over, and over, and over again...
Why do I find it so easy to talk about other's important/intimate life moments, but some of my deepest ones, stay deep.

The other day I had to ask my parents if they were ok with the sharing of my dad's story via the public web. I hadn't even thought about the fact they may not have wanted everything publicized. Not everyone processes emotions through writing...specifically public writing.

So if I don't have such "issues" divulging information, then why am I keeping this one deep?
I still don't know that answer, but I have (thankfully) talked with some other women in my shoes and they feel the same. It's something that doesn't necessarily draw a stigma, but one that makes us as women feel vulnerable. I think we become vulnerable because it is completely out of our control...

The best way I know how to write this story, is in a narrative...so enjoy.

I'm in an overly stuffy waiting room of my obgyn's office sitting on my hands, and suddenly I realize I am nervous. Nervous because for once, I am the patient and the fear that something may actually be wrong hits me like a ton of bricks...

I suddenly wonder why I didn't bring Joe with me. He is always the calm to my storm and would crack some wise joke that would make me laugh and stop sweating momentarily.

My name is called and I walk back to meet with the ultrasound technician as I am scheduled for both an abdominal and pelvic ultrasound to see if there could possibly be some reason that after 14 months, Joe and I are unable to conceive. (BAM I JUST SAID IT...phew)

She asks me to sit in the chair and I am obviously in the same room where new moms and dads go to see each sonogram as an expectant family. This was not how I pictured my sonogram screen for the first time. At first, I'm sad as I see my name in the upper left hand corner. This space, and this picture are missing something so vital I am so eager to protect. I became bitter and upset for that empty space. I felt like I had a million fingers pointing at me saying, too bad, maybe next time, move on.

Pity party for one...

The tests go smoothly, and I am walked back to that dang stuffy waiting room to wait for the doctor. More sweating, sitting on hands, and nerves ensue. I was relieved that I would be getting answers and that after this appointment I could then reconfigure, plan things out and go from there ( ME, ME, ME).

Hah...what a sense of humor the big man has. Side note...through a lot of things this past year, I have learned I have a SEVERE case of the control freaks.
I digress. The doctor comes in, performs her exam and then nonchalantly says, "Well nothing appears to be wrong. Everything looks healthy, and suitable for a baby". I wait for her to add an "and, but, if, well, etc" but the words never came.

Yes, yes I know, these are wonderful, beautiful words. BUT (and it's always big) why after this amount of time has nothing happened? She proceeded to tell me the next steps which were filled with tests, procedures, medications and prescriptions that floated in one ear and right out the other. Such words intimidated me and could quite possibly not be the right fit for me, but thats a completely different blog post.

And this is where my story lies...out of my hands, my control and up in the air. I have an odd feeling that I'm being taught something here in these moments...


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6 comments:

  1. Casey, I'm tearing up reading this. I know you're struggling with giving up control in this season of your life and I can't imagine how hard this is on your heart. Just know that you are loved and are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. I Love You!
    and this photo just makes this all more real >> you and joe are strong and I know will get through this, whatever the outcome God has planned for your family!!
    Ps we should facetime tonight if your aren't busy! xo

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  3. Hi Casey! I went to school in Carthage with April Hunt and have been following your blog for a while now. I really enjoy your content and ability to write about a variety of topics - from flower arranging to much more serious things like this. You are so very brave for sharing your struggle! After nine months of trying to conceive, I broke down and wrote a weepy, frustrated, angry post on a TTC forum. I got at least twelve comments asking me if I'd read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and had tried BBT. I had not, and felt desperate, so I bought the book on Amazon along with a basal body thermometer and started tracking my waking temperature. For almost a year, I'd felt like I knew something was wrong with me, or my husband, and I had just lost a lot (read: all) of confidence in my own body. But, doing the temping helped me because it allowed me to see that my body was actually doing it's job. I was able to finally start relaxing about the whole baby thing and trust that when the time was right, it would happen. (So much easier said than done though, I know!) We got pregnant a month later. I don't know if any of this information helps, but I wanted to share just in case. I almost wrote a similar comment on a post of yours a while back, but then decided that maybe it wasn't appropriate. Even with you sharing so much, there's still a lot of unknowns as a reader. I would never want you to think I was being outspoken or accusatory, so I hope that I have not offended you in any way by sharing my experience. Sending you love and encouragement. -Sarah Alves

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  4. Ah Casey, I'm so sorry to hear this!!! Thank you for sharing your story though, it's brave, and I know from personal experience sharing my own story over a year ago, that other people find comfort in knowing that while their struggle feels so lonely, there are other people out there who know what they're going through.

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  5. casey, this is so, so amazing. your ability to so clearly write about something so tough is awe-inspiring. i wanted to echo what sarah alves said above. while i haven't had difficulty conceiving, i have a lot of friends who have. joe and i do natural family planning, which is basically just tracking your own body's fertile signs to determine when you ovulate. you can use it to avoid pregnancy, or to get pregnant, or to see if there is something that is just off in your cycle that could be easily fixed with hormones. i have a couple friends who have learned how to chart and have realized that their luteal phase is too short for a successful implantation of a fertilized egg, which is super common, but easily fixable with progesterone supplements. i've walked a lot of people through an intro to NFP or TTC, and would be happy to give you resources or even to have a video chat with you to introduce you to it.

    and also if you're like, oh my gosh, shut up, you have no idea what i've tried or haven't tried, then that's okay too. :) once again, you are amazing and i have nothing but love and support to offer.

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  6. Casey, I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. Everyone's story is different, but I went through something similar last year. It was agonizing, going to the doctor and waiting to hear bad news. I went through medications and a small procedure before falling pregnant. I know it's hard to share your story, but by doing so you are reaching out to many other women that share similar paths in life. You are strong and you and Joe can weather this together. Stay positive. I know it's hard.

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